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‘BLOOMINGTON, IN—Speaking loudly and quickly without any notable pauses, a team of manic researchers at Indiana University announced at a press conference Wednesday that they are mere hours away from a permanent cure for depression.

The wide-eyed, unblinking scientists, who paced back and forth along the podium while nodding their heads vigorously, told the assembled press corps that after they rounded up several hundred test subjects and carried out multiple clinical trials, they expected to have a fully effective treatment for the mood disorder ready by this evening.

“Depression is a serious and complex mental illness, but there’s no reason we can’t solve it tonight—there’s nothing holding us back,” said head researcher Dr. Gavin Rowe, trembling euphorically as he mentioned that he felt “unstoppable” and had been working on the problem for the past 49 hours straight. “We’ll just run a few experiments in the next half hour, develop a medication, nail down some dosages, and get rid of depression once and for all. That’s it. Christ, we’re finally thinking clearly!”’
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